Just sat down at my favorite coffee shop to write this first and last blog post/”dear diary” in Puerto Rico. I’m leaving, and I’m trying to learn from, reflect on, and dissect this experience. 

I just talked to the barista and told her that these were my last days in Mayaguez-she said that she thought I was Puerto Rican. I was shocked. This whole time I thought I was stumbling through even ordering a cappuccino and now I realize that nobody was even paying attention to what the hell I was doing. 

We make a lot of presumptions, us over-thinkers especially. We make presumptions about who wants to hang out with us, about what people think about us, about if the Mayaguez Cross Country team hates us, about the status of our romantic relationships. Maybe those things are unknowable- and you’ve gotta be okay with that. 

Liza taught me something vitally important that’s really hard to put into practice: “others can’t read our minds.” I think it helps us let go of some of the weight of the world. It also teaches us to be assertive with our needs.

I still have no clue what I want to do. Maybe work in a more social environment? Retire? Get an MBA? Start my own Yoga studio? Plant trees for a couple of years? Always more questions than answers. Maybe that’s a choice and not an outcome. Maybe I’m still young. Maybe I’m old. Maybe it doesn’t matter

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“O, teach me how I should forget to think!” 

– Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

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I had a goal to spend my first year post grad in a Spanish speaking country. I’ve barely even hit 6 months at this point. Maybe I can drag it out or find another spot or do something to push it out a year, but it’s not really what I had in mind either way. 

Puerto Rico just didn’t work for me. I don’t want to make an excuse but its duality between developed and undeveloped was impossible to figure out from me. I always felt like I needed to do more and more was always so hard to do. Towards the end of my experience things got a little better as I realized that most of the things that went wrong were not actually my fault. It’s fricking hard. Maybe when things are hard, you need to be less hard on yourself. 

And maybe sometimes the timing isn’t right. 

Me and Liza broke up after spending the New Year with her extended family. 

She’s just a couple blocks away know, kind of hilariously. I’m still very in love with her but I understand why it happened. I think we were in a quite serious relationship for being so young. That’s hard because both of us really value adventure and self-determination and independence. We also both really loved each other, maybe we still do. We just hit a really low point and didn’t make it out to the other side. It haunts me that things could have played out slightly differently, but I do think it’s for the better. She’s gonna get the Puerto Rican adventure she deserved, and I know she’ll have the time of her life. She’s already having a great time, I think. We could have had a beautiful time together but maybe love is about letting go. That one is easy to type out but harder to put into practice. 

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“Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself;

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)” 

– Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

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It was not without its compelling moments. Highlights? A cutco knife-selling boss, a less-than-ideal car, a dead iguana on the running track, an incredible trip to San Juan with Liza, a couple car breakdowns, a lot of Spanish, a dead lady in a sandwich shop, a near fistfight (maybe actually two or three near fistfights), mofongo, unos tiroteos, a beautiful island, a couple pyramid schemes, a lot of reading, loneliness, reflection, lessons, scams, lost trust, therapy (multiple types), a hurricane, many earthquakes, power outages, termites, lies, secrets, affairs, and advice columns. 

I thought I had more to say. I’m still processing I think. Do we ever process or do we just add to the list of processing? Woof.

I can definitely say that I need to work on my support network. Keep my friends closer. Find a therapist (you should, too.) Live in a sunny place. Exercise regularly. Keep plants, maybe get a pet. Take things less seriously, spend more time in nature. This is starting to read like a to-do list; I have enough of those. 

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“I hope your tears don’t hurt, and I can smile in your face

Cut my losses, how Delilah changed my locks to a fade

I hope you happy, I hope you happy

I hope you ruined this shit for a reason, I hope you happy.” 

– Chance the Rapper

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The breakup is sad, and it’s the main catalyst for me making this decision to leave. I was thinking I was gonna stay for a while, but when an opportunity to travel South America with my friend Goodwin came up (after a couple weeks of severe waffling) I decided to leave. The final straw was when I got my car battery stolen for the second time. The earthquake was poorly timed too. There wasn’t much work to do and there wasn’t track practice this last week so I had way too much time with my own thoughts. Little things like that have big consequences. I wonder how many times something little has affected something big in my life. Probably more times than we can know. 

I’ve cried a lot. It’s ok to take your time when grieving things. 

I guess I’m still learning to do things for the right reasons. I guess I’m still learning that I’m often a complete jagaloon. I guess I’m still learning how to properly apply the lessons I learn. 

So in what light am I gonna remember this whole experience? NPI (ni puta idea).

When I started taking Spanish seriously, I used to feel guilty about my inability to remember new words. Now I realize that blaming yourself for not learning fast enough is a complete waste of time. If it sticks it sticks. Maybe it’s the same way with the lessons we learn. 

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“By the sweat of your brow

    you will eat your food

until you return to the ground,

    since from it you were taken;

for dust you are

    and to dust you will return.”

– Genesis 3:19